My dear, darling mom, I’ve been trying to talk to you for so many times before but here I am, sending a letter to cyber space since I’m out of words when being face to face with you.
First of all, I want to tell you how much I love you, which you already know. But I’ll say it again so you won’t forget it like you sometimes seem to do. I love you, no matter how many times I’ve screamed at your face that you do not get me and how I really sometimes hate you. But that’s how I am, I hate everything and everyone every now and then, it’s not your fault I feel passionately about all the small and big things in my life. This is where we crash and will probably always find room for a good and a damaging fight; I’m feeling too strongly about everything and you want to shut that flame down.
I know I’ve never been particularly easy to handle, I always wanted to do the stuff that would hurt me the most; blogging being one of those acts. I started as a fashion blogger years ago and cried on you shoulder when someone came up with an idea to call me fat. I know I wasn’t but I was so insecure and desperately needed you to carry me through my own mistakes and decisions. That’s what I thought moms were supposed to do and somehow I still believe in that thought.
However, you are not like other moms. Not in a bad way, but sometimes I wish you were despite I know how awful it sounds. I would have wanted you to tell me how good and pretty and wonderful I was even though I sometimes failed and did not make you proud. I never meant to rebel against your wishes but I was desperate to be myself, even with my dirty language and arrogant behaviour. I was me and this is how I am still, loud-mouth with difficulties to control myself. It does not bother me and I wish it did not make you so embarrassed.
After I told you I was going to blog about bras this time you gave me the look. The look that says “Alrighty, here we go again, you’re going to regret it and oh my god, isn’t that a bit awkward?” I know you have quite a little faith in me in these things; I go and get excited, then something changes my mind. Well, it’s not like that this time (I know, you’ve heard that too often but REALLY). This time, I’m gonna change a small bit of world, maybe someone’s painful and self-conscious world. That is what I want to do and that is what matters the most to me.
It is just really hard to change the world, you know. This is why I lost my temper at the Aerie store, I saw someone making a joke out of bra fitting and a joke out of ME. It was the very essence of a bra fitting that made a women feel uncomfortable and embarrassed about herself. I felt humiliated and questioned. I felt like my body and my most fragile parts where questioned. “Are you wearing push-ups?” A simple question but somehow so diminishing. This is what I want you to understand, how my body is not something that I want to be ashamed of, cause no-one should be.
I know you don’t want to make me feel ashamed but sometimes you do, mom. You are not a big fan of cleavage, that’s for sure and you sometimes feel like I don’t respect you as my necklines are lower than you want them to be. Oh love, it’s not disrespect, it’s me enjoying something that I hated for years. It’s me embracing myself the way I am, finally. You wanted to get me a psychologist, all I needed was a bra to fit me right.
Sometimes I feel bad for you since you clearly don’t feel good about yourself, just like I didn’t for years. I see your wires digging into your breast tissue, I see the band riding up and the gore lifting. These are just facts that make me feel pain for you. I so want to help you like every woman around me but you don’t let me. You always know the best, I know, but for once, let me do something for you. I want you to feel comfortable and great about yourself since you are the best and the most beautiful mother in the whole world, no lies told. You have an amazing smile, great style and a loving gorgeous face, but dear mom, your bras are just pure crap. You don’t deserve them, you deserve something equally amazing as you are.
There is still something I need to confess you; the whole world has seen me in my undies. Don’t be mad at me! I know this is your little girl, revealing something most intimate to people who are not supposed to see it but I want to do it and it’s my choice. This is not something you’ll ever understand, why do I go and “sell” myself like that (your words, not mine) and I will not explain it to you further since I let you feel and think what you will. I know there’s no way to turn around your head and so be it. Just take me as I am; a bit nuts but caring and compassionate to women with troubling boobs. I didn’t think about the consequences but it just felt right and still does. You’ll just have to accept it.
In the end I just want you to know that I’ll be alright and nothing bad will happen to me, even though my bras went public. I always land on my feet, you know that. I might no be success in everything and will do many things that you are not happy about in the future as well, but let me do what I love and let me love it from the bottom of my big heart, even if it hurts sometimes. Cause love makes me happy, whether it’s loving you or something I do.
you little girl Soph
This is something that my mom will probably never see but I wanted to express myself somehow and pour my heart into a form of a post. Hope you liked it. I also want to thank you all for believing in me through reading my blog, liking my posts, commenting them and following me via various media. I love you all dearly for that and it makes my heart melt to see people reacting to something I created, something that I feel passionate about. Thank you, you make my day. Keep commenting and showing me your appreciation, it will keep me running and feeling happy! 🙂